Adversity – Furnace or Forge

Life can be difficult and is often unfair. I don’t think anyone would argue, and I’m willing to bet many of us have felt like throwing our hands in the air and saying “enough is enough – I quit”. The difference is what happens at this point – do you actually give up, consumed by the fires; or do you push through, overcoming the situation/circumstance with new tools and beliefs?

I’ve done both, it’s taken me many years to recognize there is always another side to adversity – it’s just how long it’s going to take you to get through. The more you do to help yourself when things are going well, the shorter (generally) the impact will last. The trick, in my opinion, is understanding (1) you’re not alone, and (2) you have more tools than you may be giving yourself credit for.

Develop habits when things are going well, so you don’t need to think about “how” to do something when life throws you a curve ball. Commit to sitting down with the most positive person you know at least twice a month, when you are at the bottom of a hole they can extend a rope; and if it’s a habit/routine they will know may be up if you miss one or two appointments.

Financially, commit to setting aside at least $25 each week in an online savings account – where you don’t have ready access. This creates the habit of spending, but it also gives you a lifeline when those “oh craps” occur. If you can afford to do more, then build up gradually to what you’re comfortable setting aside – but don’t start too big. The intent is to not notice it, so you will continue.

When bad things happen look for correlations to how you are feeling. At some point in the past you more than likely felt very similar, even if it was to a lesser degree. How did you overcome it then? Use those tools, adapting as necessary to fit your current circumstance.

Some changes cannot be undone. I will never get my wife back, nor will my son’s Autism go away. That doesn’t mean we can’t, or shouldn’t, live our lives to the fullest. We’ve adapted, and so can you. Do your best to never let circumstances identify who you are. Continue to grow, seek new experiences and don’t fear failure. And as I’ve said so often before – quit trying to be a one-person show. Instead be the conductor and surround yourself with people who have achieved what you’re aiming for and have similar values and ethics.

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The Right Time is NOW

It’s so easy to justify putting something off, something else always seems to come up or there’s just no time. This is BULL, and if we’re honest with ourselves we all know it. There is never going to be a better time than right now to take action. “Need” to lose weight or save more? What does waiting until tomorrow get you?

Since I left the Navy and started my journey into the disability world with my son, I’ve seen (and been guilty of) entirely too much inaction. People will come to Resource Fairs and walk away with great information, but I can only wonder how many follow-up. Talking to some of my fellow vendors the number is nowhere near as large as we’d like.

I think this is because we let life get in the way – at least it was for me. I’d come home on a Saturday, with several folders of information, put them down and forget about them. It was information I needed, and I knew I needed, but I told myself I would get to it on Monday. Unfortunately by the time Monday got here I had not only forgotten about them, I was already overwhelmed with what the week was bringing – I wouldn’t have been willing to do anything even if I had remembered.

I broke this cycle by forcing myself to take 10 – 15 minutes when I got home, reviewing the materials and sending an e-mail to those I wanted to follow up with. This got the ball rolling, and when Monday came the responses I received ensured I followed through.

Sure, I put my name on the mailing lists; but more often than not I would just ignore the e-mails – not even replying to state I wasn’t interested because I felt like it took too much bandwidth. If this sounds familiar, I can tell you it’s not going to get any better on its own – all that will happen is time will continue passing you by, until some crisis doesn’t allow you to ignore it any longer.

So if there is something you’re thinking of doing, then do it. Don’t set it aside, because life doesn’t get any less busy (at least not in my experience). Frequently letting something sit will cause it to morph into something much bigger than it needs to be; making it even more likely you won’t take action. At some point YOU need to make a change, it requires an act on your part – well, probably several, because it takes time to make this into a habit.

So take a look at your situation and take action on the first thing you think of. Don’t spend time considering which item on a laundry list you should address, this puts you at risk of being overwhelmed by choices. Just pick the first thing that comes to mind, knock it out, rinse and repeat. Find an accountability partner, someone who will help you follow through – we all need one; it’s too easy for us to accept our own excuses. I encourage everyone to check out Mel Robbins’ 5 Second Rule; it helped put things in perspective for me.

VET TIX

VET TIX provides tickets to events which reduce stress, strengthen family bonds, build life-long memories and encourage service members and veterans to stay engaged with local communities and American life. We support our troops by honoring their service and providing positive family and life experiences, during and after their years of service to our country (Retrieved from https://www.vettix.org/index.php). As a veteran I’m honored an organization has taken this unique approach to help Active Duty military and veterans; and I want to help them get their message out.

Who They Are 

VET TIX has (2) programs I’m aware of, Tickets for Troops and Hero’s Wish.

Tickets for Troops uses partnerships with major sports teams, organizations and event ticket holders to give active duty military and honorably discharged veterans free and discounted tickets. Military personnel, especially junior enlisted, do not make very much money – this is an amazing opportunity for our service members.

Hero’s Wish aims to ease the burden on families who have lost a loved one (KIA), been injured (WIA) or is currently deployed; by providing a once in a lifetime expense at an event. Their services are available to active duty personnel in a 6 month before/after deployment, severely wounded, or families of those killed in action. They provide a list of current hero’s wishes here.

What They Do 

VET TIX’s website has a link for veterans to create an account – where you will identify the type (active duty, retired, etc). From there they will verify the information, because they want to ensure veterans, and their families, are the ones being served. The applicants will let VET TIX know what event they would like to attend, and from there VET TIX works to secure tickets. The attendees will pay a small fee, much less than the full cost if they were to buy it themselves, to receive their tickets.

What Else Should I Know

 

Two of the three founders served in the military, and the third’s father had served – so all three are familiar with the sacrifices service members and their families experience. Their Core Values of Patriotism, Support & Recognition, Quality of Life and Family really resonated with me – and as I learned more about VET TIX it became clearer and clearer that they are the “real deal”.

Disclaimer

I am not an employee of Vet TIX and any errors noted are my own. If I have misrepresented, or misstated anything please provide constructive feedback so I may make the appropriate change(s). All opinions and views are my own.

Make Inertia Work For You

I chose the image for this blog because I think it’s what most people think of when they hear the word “inertia”. Sadly, this is only half the story. Inertia means something is going to maintain its current state until acted upon by an outside force. So yes – if the object is at rest, it will remain at rest. BUT, and this is IMPORTANT, it also means if an object is in motion it will remain in motion.

I’m passionate about helping people become successful, and often the first step is overcoming their current state of inertia. When you’re not doing something it becomes much easier to identify ALL the reasons not to change – it’s the wrong time, it will cost too much, etc. Let’s assume all of these are valid concerns; when are they going to change? The truth is most of them will not. The universe isn’t going to line up the stars, moons & planets for your convenience; and products/services are going to continue rising in cost (or fade away).

So instead of focusing on reasons not to do something, identify WHY you want to make the change. Something had to drive you to this point, and if it’s truly important to you do take action – any action, no matter how small.

Taking action overcomes your current state of inertia – it’s the force necessary to start momentum in a different direction. The longer you’ve been in your current mode, the more effort you are going to need to exert to enact the change. Don’t give up if you don’t see results right away; things take time.

Think of any changes you’ve made recently – be it weight loss, changing jobs, or going back to school (to list a few examples). When you first started it probably sucked, it was uncomfortable and you had to get into a new routine. Eventually you stopped noticing, and it just became a habit; inertia has set in.

Understanding this is important, because you can use it to help yourself become more successful. Let’s use networking for example, because I think most (if not all) of us need to network to some degree; and many of us have an immense dislike for it. Start by introducing yourself to at least one new person everyday, and make small talk. As you become more comfortable with this expand it; get to know everyone in your company – not just those you interact with every day. Before you know it, it will have become second nature and you’re on your way to mastering a new skill which (in my opinion) will go a long way to aiding your success.

Inertia is difficult to overcome, so don’t be afraid to seek assistance. Use an accountability partner, someone who will call you on your excuses and offer encouragement. They will also help you maintain perspective, because it’s often difficult to notice change within yourself – especially when it’s occurring gradually.

So what are you waiting for? September is just around the corner, let’s end 2017 with a BANG. Pick one thing you’ve been “meaning to do”; find yourself an accountability partner (friend, trusted advisor, family, etc); and put inertia to work. Let’s get your constant velocity angled upwards – 2018 look out, because here we come!

Peaks & Valleys

Last week I was reminded of how quickly a high may be turned into a low – having been recharged from a retreat, and yet within a few days losing my patience for something I had thought my son had mastered. It was wrong of me to lose my patience, but I (like most of us) am only human and I have my faults. One I continue to work on is understanding just because my son may have seemingly “mastered” a skill, doesn’t mean it will translate naturally into a very similar skill – as it usually would for neurotypical peers.

When things happen to upset my equilibrium, I think back on the lessons Spencer Johnson covers in his book “Peaks and Valleys”. I first read the book the year my wife passed, when I couldn’t conceive of how I could be expected to do much more than just get out of bed and put clothes on. I’m not going to outline the entire book, but the premise is there will always be highs & lows; it’s up to you to note how you achieved your high and what brought the low – empowering you to increase the highs and decrease the lows.

I think I’m still processing those lessons – I certainly haven’t mastered them yet, even after (5) years. I believe we need to be ready to understand concepts, it’s not enough to tell ourselves we’re going to change – we have to internalize the reason we are making the change. I remember thinking I wanted to be happier after my wife passed, yet part of me felt guilty when I was in a good mood – I had to put that to rest.

This is one example, particular to me; but I think any of us who have something we say we want to accomplish, but are not truly doing what we need to be doing to accomplish it, can identify a demon we haven’t put to rest yet. This is, in my totally non-professional opinion, normal; it’s our valley(s).

We will start the climb to the peak when we acknowledge we have these thoughts. The climb will be longer for some than others, as we all make peace with ourselves in our own way. Some will work with therapists and caregivers, much like climbers hire guides to show them the most accessible (yet not necessarily any less difficult) paths to the top. Others will do their best to go alone, or work with someone who has been where they are and can show them how they got out. Some of us will have storms interrupting our progress, stopping us from as high as we could climb and forcing us to start over.

It’s not enough to say “don’t quit”. Not quitting doesn’t mean you’re going to be successful – Wile E Coyote never quit, look what that got him. If you are struggling, ask for help. At a minimum, find someone to open up to about what you’re struggling with. Speaking for myself, I often find new solutions I hadn’t considered when I verbalize my challenges. I’ve also received some incredible insight (although I’m slower than I like to admit to take action on recommendations).

At the end of the day remember this – every single person has something they are struggling with. What could be a significant challenge to them may seem minor to you, and vice versa; this is the beautiful thing about perspective. Rather than belittle them for their perception, help them find solutions. Find people that will do the same for you – they’re out there. Don’t let yourself get trapped in a valley, the view is much better at a peak!

Get Unplugged

This weekend I attended my first retreat, hosted by A Mother’s Rest, in Afton, Virginia – at the Rockfish Valley Inn. Having never attended one, I was more than a little nervous about what to expect; and what, if anything, would be expected of me. I had been told not to worry, I could just chill in my room all weekend if I wanted – but I still had my doubts. Nonetheless I packed my bags, including books to read – my preference when afforded the uninterrupted time.

My first impression when I arrived was “wow, am I in the right place?!” The Inn is not far from the Blue Ridge Highway and Skyline Drive, as well as the Appalachian Trail and many more hiking areas – the scenery was breathtaking. I spent Friday night and most of Saturday by myself – seclusion helps me decompress.

Some of the other dads chose to go to Monticello and explore the surrounding areas – there was truly no agenda other than relax and recharge. It was, in a word, FANTASTIC! Eventually I emerged and met the other dads, and was reminded how nice it is to talk with people who “get it”; much is left unsaid because they’re living it too. We played cards and enjoyed a leisurely dinner on Saturday & Sunday night.

Breakfast items were provided, and there was no set time when everyone was expected to come eat. You could pop in and make yourself whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted. Dreamers Merchant Coffee Company donated several packages – and if you’ve never had their coffee you’re missing out! I’m usually a whatever is cheaper in the store kind of guy; but now I’m a changed man. Cherry on top – Dreamers’ has an incredible mission; having been founded in the hopes of creating a job for the founder’s daughter with disabilities.

I cannot say enough about A Mother’s Rest, and the tireless work of Andrea Faris Roberts. I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt as relaxed as I do writing this, and I encourage anyone reading this to check out A Mother’s Rest’s home page. If you don’t have a family member with a disability, I’ll put even money on you knowing someone who does. From this dad’s perspective, I’m glad Andrea took up this challenge; and I will do whatever I can to help her get the word out.

 

It Takes a TEAM

I started with a new company a few months ago, and realized immediately I was not going to be successful on my own – to make the most of my skill sets I was going to have to rely on everyone else. Now for some of you reading this it may seem like common sense, but for the last year or so I had pretty much been left to my own devices – if I needed help I could ask, but it was easy for me to believe I was a one-man show. 

I think the same can be said as parents of children with disabilities (I’ve never been a parent of a child without, so I can’t say). We get really used to just putting our heads down and slogging forward, figuring stuff out as necessary; and often, like my wife and I did, splitting the responsibilities. This got us by, I don’t feel like my son suffered or wanted for anything; but in hindsight we certainly could’ve done more (isn’t that always the case?).

What I’ve learned over the last (5) years is this – yes, I can find a way to do just about anything on my own; but why should I?! Instead I look for an expert in whatever it is I need to do. For example, I had a friend help me teach him to cook and he’s now making himself dinner every night.

I also hired an advocate when he was transitioning from middle to High School. Not because I felt the school was trying to screw me over, quite the opposite – I’m a very passionate guy and I didn’t want to send the wrong message to the other members of the IEP meetings. I also had a hard time coming to terms with their recommendation that he should be in the certificate program (in school until 21) rather than earn a diploma. The advocate helped me work through this (although if I’m completely transparent I’m still finding it hard to swallow – although I believe it is the right thing to do).

These are just a few examples, and you don’t necessarily have to pay a professional. After all, there are a lot of people in this world and it’s likely someone else has lived through something that can be correlated to challenges you’re facing now. I’m not suggesting you put your business out there; but I do believe you should build yourself a core network of individuals whom you can trust, who can understand where you are and where you want to be. And be okay with this group changing over time, I think life has stages and we each pass through them at our own time and pace.

I learned this when I was stationed on my first boat (submarine, hence the pic); but somehow over the years I had forgotten. I’m betting many of you may be saying something similar – maybe from your time playing sports in school, or as a Boy/Girl Scout. It often seems easier to do it ourselves rather than asking for help; but the risk we run in doing so is not knowing what we could be missing. So next time you come across something that’s not in your “lane” take a moment and ask yourself – who do I know that I can reach out to. If no-one readily comes to mind, ask yourself, who do I know who seems to know “everyone”. I have yet to meet someone that doesn’t know at least one person like this, so I’m betting you do. If not, reach out to me – I’ll be happy to help you connect with the right resource.

You’re NOT alone!