Get Unplugged

This weekend I attended my first retreat, hosted by A Mother’s Rest, in Afton, Virginia – at the Rockfish Valley Inn. Having never attended one, I was more than a little nervous about what to expect; and what, if anything, would be expected of me. I had been told not to worry, I could just chill in my room all weekend if I wanted – but I still had my doubts. Nonetheless I packed my bags, including books to read – my preference when afforded the uninterrupted time.

My first impression when I arrived was “wow, am I in the right place?!” The Inn is not far from the Blue Ridge Highway and Skyline Drive, as well as the Appalachian Trail and many more hiking areas – the scenery was breathtaking. I spent Friday night and most of Saturday by myself – seclusion helps me decompress.

Some of the other dads chose to go to Monticello and explore the surrounding areas – there was truly no agenda other than relax and recharge. It was, in a word, FANTASTIC! Eventually I emerged and met the other dads, and was reminded how nice it is to talk with people who “get it”; much is left unsaid because they’re living it too. We played cards and enjoyed a leisurely dinner on Saturday & Sunday night.

Breakfast items were provided, and there was no set time when everyone was expected to come eat. You could pop in and make yourself whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted. Dreamers Merchant Coffee Company donated several packages – and if you’ve never had their coffee you’re missing out! I’m usually a whatever is cheaper in the store kind of guy; but now I’m a changed man. Cherry on top – Dreamers’ has an incredible mission; having been founded in the hopes of creating a job for the founder’s daughter with disabilities.

I cannot say enough about A Mother’s Rest, and the tireless work of Andrea Faris Roberts. I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt as relaxed as I do writing this, and I encourage anyone reading this to check out A Mother’s Rest’s home page. If you don’t have a family member with a disability, I’ll put even money on you knowing someone who does. From this dad’s perspective, I’m glad Andrea took up this challenge; and I will do whatever I can to help her get the word out.

 

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Manna Food Center

Manna Food Center is a food bank headquartered in Gaithersburg, Maryland focused on eliminating hunger in Montgomery County, Maryland. It’s a little more localized than the non-profits I usually spotlight; but with something like eliminating hunger I believe it’s more effective to focus locally and spread.

Who They Are 

Manna Food Center is a food bank – they provide food to approximately 40k people each year; in addition to supplying soup kitchens, food pantries and shelters throughout the County. As a food pantry they’ve established distribution sites to enable those who need the help to readily access it. Before meeting with them I had no idea what the difference was between a food bank and food pantry – a food bank stores the food and products; the pantry is what actually distributes the food. A food bank could (and Manna does) supply multiple food pantries.

I was shocked to learn 1/3 of students attending public schools receive free or discounted lunches – because of how wealthy I’ve perceived Montgomery County to be. To be clear – Montgomery County is wealthy, but they also have a large population of seniors and those with disabilities who may struggle given the high cost of living and additional healthcare expenses.

What They Do 

Manna Food Center serves over 3,700 families each month! Rather than list out their strategic plan in detail, I invite (and encourage) you to read about it here. In brief, they have (3) priorities (from their website):

(1) Participant-centered & data driven program delivery

(2) Community Leadership & Advocacy

(3) A values-based business model that supports the people who make our work possible.

What Else Should I Know

They’ve repurposed an old school bus into a mobile kitchen and pop-up pantry; bringing nutritious foods AND providing the opportunity for those living in the communities reached to learn how to prepare them.

Manna doesn’t just provide a handout. They do their best to help those they serve understand the importance of making healthy lifestyle choices, provide them with the opportunity to do so and in many cases bridge the gap when families hit a rough spot; something I think all of us can relate to – even though maybe not to the extent we didn’t know where our next meal(s) were coming from.

Disclaimer

I am not an employee of Manna Food Center and any errors noted are my own. If I have misrepresented, or misstated anything please provide constructive feedback so I may make the appropriate change(s). All opinions and views are my own.

Because They Can’t! Wait, Can They?

As my son’s 18th birthday approaches I find myself reflecting on the significant independence he’s gained over the last (5) years. I remember when we were first told he had Autism, the doctors and teachers made it a point to ensure we understood he would likely plateau – and not to get too upset. Full disclosure – this happened over 12 years ago and I’m coloring what was said with what I heard/remember, so I own the fact this may not have been what they were trying to convey. But it’s what my wife and I took away, and it set a tone.

In the following years my wife and I allowed this to color our perception and interactions with our son – at first by doing things for him at the first sign of trouble, and eventually just outright doing it for him – not even letting him try. When my wife died my son was 12, and he literally did next to nothing for himself – to include toileting and bathing. This year he’ll turn 18, and he’s quite the independent young man. He makes his own dinner every night, puts laundry away, cleans up after himself and gives me a grocery list weekly – in addition to toileting and bathing himself.

I allowed a similar influence to shade my perceptions when I was in the Navy. I had been assigned to manage a shop of around twenty people in Air Department, and I was told nothing but negative things about them. Rather than ignoring these opinions, or at least taking them with a grain of salt; I went in fully convinced I’d been given the worst bunch of people in the Navy. Needless to say I turned into the worst boss I could imagine, I don’t think tyrant is too strong a word. To make it worse, I didn’t learn until it was too late – after I had transferred to another duty station.

My point in these trips down memory lane is this. I think we’re all guilty of acting on incorrect assumptions based on information provided. As a parent of a child with disabilities I struggle constantly to remind myself the diagnosis isn’t a rule book – it’s an identification for why he may have certain behaviors and challenges. It doesn’t mean every possible manifestation will apply, and even those occurring are definitively not able to be worked around.

Technology and medicine are advancing at an incredible rate. People who may have once been trapped inside their bodies are finding new ways to communicate – through organizations like VocaliD and devices like the Surface and iPad. They have wheelchairs allowing people to stand upright; and are developing exoskeletons to provide even more mobility.

Yet some of us still latch on to the worst possible scenario, telling ourselves nothing will help our child – they’re different. I challenge you to change this narrative, instead of focusing on what your child can’t do – celebrate what they can. And never stop trying, even if they’ve failed in the past. If you had a child without a disability I don’t think you’d give up, I think most of us would continue looking for tools to help them be successful. So why have a double standard?

Yes, there are things my son cannot do right now – and I will concede he may never be able to. The biggest example that comes to mind is driving; but self-driving cars are no longer the stuff of science fiction. Will they be affordable and commonplace in his lifetime – I have no idea, but I certainly hope so. I challenge all of you to revisit everything you don’t think your child/sibling can do; and think outside the box. What can you do to get around these limitations? I bet there is at least one thing you can change! Good luck.

Side Hustle, What?!

When I was younger if you had a second job, it was just that – a job. It wasn’t anything to celebrate, because often you were working to help pay your bills. I’m not sure what’s changed, and I fully admit I’m not 100% in touch with current lingo – but as I understand what I’ve been hearing, a “side hustle” is something people SHOULD have.

I can think of many instances when this is a good idea; for example if you have a hobby  you’re trying to become better at, in the hopes you can make it into a career (i.e. wood carver). After all, assuming the following:

1) Malcolm Gladwell’s theory it takes 10,000 hours to master a skill is accurate

2) We work and sleep on average (8) hours per day

3) We can spend (4) hours of each day (Monday – Sunday) working on our skill

It would still take us almost (7) years to become a “master” (6.85 years). That’s a long time to work on something for no reward (other than the satisfaction of becoming better). So getting paid to practice could be a great way to both stay motivated to learning and put a little extra cash in your pocket.

However, I question if this is why most people have a side hustle – I think for many it’s a way to increase their income. Nothing wrong with this, if you’re honest with yourself and you know what you want the money for. If it’s being used to cover monthly expenses, then I encourage you to revisit your spending habits. On the other hand, if you’re using it to save for a specific goal; just to have some extra cash; or as I postulated above, to get better at a skill more power to you!

Here’s where I become an old fuddy duddy (as proven by using the words “fuddy duddy”). When you consider a side hustle, and are determining how much money you’re going to make – please consider the associated expenses. This means if you’re driving for one of the ride share apps consider the increased frequency of required maintenance (oil changes, detailing, brakes, etc); the same goes if you’re renting a room or your house – typically there are additional expenses, including insurance, that often go overlooked.

If you’re “earning” $500 per month, but spending an extra $300/mth doing so evaluate if it’s really worth it. Many of the side hustles I’ve seen people do have the potential to be very lucrative; but like anything if you don’t know what it’s costing you you cannot be sure you’re really making a profit.

If you’re not sure how much you’re really making, track your cash flow. This is nothing more than the money coming in vs the money going out. You can set up a tracker in basic tracker in excel or talk to a financial advisor.  I like to see my clients saving at least 20% of money coming in for goals (not just retirement, things like trips to Disney & new cars as well). If you can’t, even with the side hustle, I would encourage you to evaluate where your money is going – and not just take on something else. And remember, although I’ve only talked about money; there’s another cost to be considered – time. Use it wisely, I don’t know of anyone who died wishing they’d spent more time working.

A Mother’s Rest – Retreats for Families of Children with Extra Needs

A Mother’s Rest was founded to give families a chance to get away, by a mother who understands what families like ours experience daily. I’ve never used respite, when my wife was alive I don’t remember it even being a conversation – and it wasn’t because we didn’t want it; I don’t recall ever hearing it presented as an option. I think many families are like mine – we would love a rest/break, but don’t know where to go or feel we can trust anyone else with our children. A Mother’s Rest answers where to go, it has partnerships with B&B’s across the country; and they are actively working to form partnerships with organizations, like Jill’s House, to provide child care.

Who They Are 

“A Mother’s Rest is designed to be a quiet, peaceful sanctuary of fellowship for myself (founder) and others who really understand the fatigues that can come with special needs parenting”. (Retrieved from https://www.amothersrest.org/thefounder).

I think what appeals most, to me, is their belief “RESPITE is not only a period of time, it is a place and a feeling. It’s a reprieve, even if short-lived, from the hardships of everyday life.” When I was on Active Duty my wife was often living as a single mom, and at the time I had no idea how stressful it may have been – now as a single dad of a teen I’m learning first hand about some, but certainly not all, of the challenges she faced and how important getting a break is.

What They Do 

A Mother’s Rest offers affordable retreats across the country, by partnering with B&B’s to give moms, dads and couples an opportunity to get away, unplug, and if desired, hang out with fellow travelers on our journey. Alternatively these retreats offer opportunities to completely unplug – the only agenda I’m aware of is recharging one’s emotional and psychological batteries.

Some other opportunities A Mother’s Rest include grants of up to $2,500 for children and adults with disabilities to attend day or sleep-away summer camps. What an amazing opportunity, not only as a break for parents; but as an opportunity for those attending to learn/improve their social and independent living skills. A Mother’s Rest needs your help to make this a reality – seeking volunteers and donations (more information found here).

 

What Else Should I Know

A Mother’s Rest is the passion project of a mom who is living it, she really understands what it means to raise a child with disabilities, and how important it is to stay grounded – for you and your child. If you have children, with or without disabilities, I believe you can relate to wanting to “get away”. A Mother’s Rest helps us do so; and they are looking to do much, much more. I encourage you to check out their website to learn more.

Disclaimer

I am not an employee of A Mother’s Rest and any errors noted are my own. If I have misrepresented, or misstated anything please provide constructive feedback so I may make the appropriate change(s). All opinions and views are my own.

Walk before you Run

I don’t think very many of us step foot into the gym after a prolonged absence and decide to push yourself as hard and as fast as you can – at least not more than once, especially if you’re older than 40. We know, or at least have a fair idea, if we did it would not be pleasant (to put it mildly). Yet many of us are so quick to think other aspects of our lives, specifically financial, would be any different.

I get it, I hear many of the same “experts” telling us we need to save more and spend less – and we do! But, and this is a very big but, you should not think you can suddenly do a complete shift and sustain it. You need to train yourself, just as you would if you were going to run a marathon.

Saving/spending are just as much habits as smoking or making coffee every morning (my personal vice). Yes, in a perfect world all of us would be saving at least 20% of every check towards clearly defined goals (retirement being just one of them); but this isn’t a perfect world – we all have other “stuff” going on that can distract us. So rather than try to make a drastic change, and then quit because it’s too hard, start smaller.

Although transportation and housing make up a significant portion of our spending, many of you reading this are probably not in the market at this time – so there probably isn’t much opportunity to reduce your spending here. However, if you are in the market, or if you haven’t looked into refinancing and you’re mortgage rate is over 5%; here are a few things you can do to help yourself.

Aim at keeping the house and auto payment down. If you have to finance a car for 60 or 72 months, consider a less expensive option. Cars are depreciating assets – meaning you will never get the money you put into it back. Refinancing your mortgage could free up some cash – and since you’re used to not having it go ahead and put it directly into a savings/investment account; don’t spend it.

For the rest of us, track how often you buy something every day/week. For now, don’t worry about how much you’re spending, this is to determine your purchasing habits. For everything you buy make a note of “need” or “want”. What drives your purchases? Are there certain times of the day you are buying more frequently, is it just super easy because your card info is saved on the website? These are the types of questions you should be asking yourself.

From here, pick one thing to change and commit. Maybe it’s deleting your card info from Amazon Prime, or you don’t hop on the computer right after work because it leads to retail therapy. Whatever it is, just make (1) small change and stick with it for at least (3) months. Easy way to track – Federal holidays. If you start something around the 4th of July, next step is reevaluate around Labor Day or Thanksgiving. No reason to make it super complicated, the easier it is the more likely you’ll follow through.

What you shouldn’t do: don’t suddenly increase your 401(k) from 2% to 15%; that’s too much of a shock to your system. Don’t tell yourself “I’m just not going to shop anymore”. That’s a punishment, not a constructive realignment of your attitude and behaviors (fancy talk for making yourself miserable). If you’re in a committed relationship with joint finances – don’t make any changes on your own. Have an open dialogue, and if necessary, use an impartial 3rd party to help steer it. Pick a pace that leaves you a little uncomfortable and get started. There’s no better time than now.

 

Don’t Let the Tail Wag the Dog

I enjoy coaching business owners, helping them determine where they can increase efficiency and dial in their focus running the business – as opposed to the business running them. Over the years I’ve found some very common themes – “not enough time” and “too much to do”; both of which can be addressed by stepping outside the business and looking at it as a perspective buyer, rather than the owner. Buyers look for opportunities and weaknesses (so they can bid the price down), they’re not emotionally invested in the company and won’t make excuses about why something is happening.

Unfortunately, many of us get so wrapped up in the day-to-day operations we lose sight of the bigger picture – where we want our company to be in 5, 10 or 20 years; and what is the core service or product our business provides. If you don’t have a vision for your company, or if you can’t put your finger on the core service/product, then ask yourself why you’re a business owner. Sure, there’s a lot of hype right now encouraging people to be entrepreneurs and chase their passion; but that passion may be met through hobbies or volunteering at much less cost than starting a business.

Same goes for “side hustles”. Unless you’re working part-time for someone else, you should be treating your hustle like a business. If you’re an Uber or Lyft driver, or you rent room(s) on Airbnb, then understand what your expenses are – please don’t delude yourself into thinking what you earn is “all profit”. I would also like to encourage those of you with side hustles to ask yourself “why”. Why do you have the hustle, what is the money going to help you do? Take this answer and make sure you’re taking the steps necessary to follow through.

Perhaps you’re saying “sure, this all sounds like a great idea; but you just don’t understand how busy I am”. Again, I challenge you to think as a buyer. Do you care how busy someone is, do you let them off the hook for a poorly delivered service or product? No, of course you don’t – so why are you treating yourself any different?

Make the time. Set at least one day each month aside for your business. Instead of arguing how much business  you’re going to lose (cost); think of it as an investment which will increase your profits by improving efficiency and honing your focus. Create an agenda for your day, and follow it. It’s going to feel weird at first, and maybe you’re not super productive right away – it’s a new skill and it’s going to take time to get good at it. Don’t give up, push through. If you’re not sure how to start find a mentor or hire a coach.

I need to stay busy, but I don’t like to waste my time. Think back to why you started your business or side-hustle; I’m willing to bet it wasn’t so you filled your every waking moment with work. Be honest with yourself, do you really want to run a business? Be okay with the answer, whatever it is, and take the necessary steps to be successful. Just do something.